Astronauts

So I was watching this:

I mean... it's a pretty easy target, just read the comments on the youtube page. Not content with only losing 6 minutes of my life, I decided I'd write about my collateral thoughts, because I have a blog, like millions of others on the internet.



I'm sure we've all been asked this question at some point in the early days of school (unless you were home schooled, you poor poor child): What do you want to be when you grow up?

Well apparently, every fucking kid wanted to be an Astronaut.

When I was asked that quesiton, I didn't even know what space was. My options were Farmer, Doctor, Policeman, Fireman, and something else that I can't remember. Obviously, I picked Policeman like all the other boys, because you get to play with guns for reals. Two of the thirty kids picked farmer, and the teacher was all like "Yeah, you're all going to starve except for Jimmy and Katey here." Except their names were not Jimmy and Katey, and the teacher was a stupid fat face.

Anyway, I digress...

It seems being an Astronaut is like the Holy Grail of all jobs out there. You get to go into space and shit, foregoing all the simple pleasures in life while exposing yourself to all the delightful hazards in space. That's right, "Space Junk" is out to get you in space!

I don't know about you, but I like my simple earthly pleasures in life - such as sitting down on the toilet seat instead of pooping into a bag; rock climbing with gravity switched on; and maybe updating Facebook when the weather changes.

And you expect me to get straight A's in school, put me through a load of boring physical challenges to prove my fitness level, hurl me around in a circle to see if my body reacts well to high G forces, and then make me work 18 hour shifts in space? I hate circles!

And what are the perks exactly?

What, so I can be the smug bastard at dinner parties I didn't want to attend?

Or appearing in documentaries on the History channel?

What the fuck? Ke$ha was on the image results for "astronaut interview"?

So I think you get the impression that... I really don't get why anyone wants to be an Astronaut.

Yes, being in space and all that is really exciting before you're reminded that it fucks up your bones and shit. But so is moving next to the Eiffel Tower. The view is great and all, and for the first two weeks you can put up with the little nuisance of having to take pictures for people when you go out for your milk, or having a giant 2 million watts light bulb outside your bedroom window. The little nuisance eventually turns into rampaging urges.


But obviously I'm dead wrong, cuz if you listen to the enthusiasm in the voice of the aforementioned Astronaut in the youtube clip, that ain't the voice of a person about to lope a piece of space junk into orbit to crash into NASA's dinner party roof. Fuck no, he was excited about science!

I mean... what the fuck do I know? I've only just learnt to sit against the wall instead of my bed-frame to reduce backache while laptoping in my room...

I'd be fucked in space.