Relationship Advice

Exhibit A to the right

I suppose this is inevitable - me writing a relationship advice column. As a singleton with 3 unsuccessful relationship under my belt, the internet is the only place I can pretend to know what I'm talking about!

Okay... Everyone has opinions about relationships, and we're all entitled to them. Some of us keep them to ourselves, some ramp them down other people's throats. Some... well... they exploit the shit out of people's insecurities and loneliness. Case and point - Exhibit A to the right.

"Make him addicted to you" from "have the relationship YOU want".com...

"9 Dangerous Mistakes Women make that ruins the Perfect Relationship" from "catch him and keep him".com

The fact that the two disturbing named relationship advice websites are paying for advertising space on Google can only imply to me that their objective is profit driven. My 15 years experience on the internet has accredited too much cynicism to allow me to even entertain the idea that someone out there would pay to offer genuine advice to better mankind... sorry... womankind.

Of course I had no idea what an iPad was back in 97.

So here's me getting in on the action, but I ain't paying advertising space for this shit. Here's "Monkey's top however many rules for relationship" (I don't know how many points there will be yet cuz I'm just blagging it as it goes)

Stop looking for Relationship Advice on the Internet or Magazines
That means stop reading, sucker, everything beneath this are just text holders.

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Ok if you insist on reading... Now this may sound hypocritical, but I HAVE read relationship advice on the internet, and chances are I will in the future as well. Sometimes I'd nod knowingly as I concur with the author on their views; other times I will no doubt question "What the fuck did I just read?"

So why the hypocrisy?

Well, I didn't seek out for Relationship Advice on the net. They just kind of found their way to me. There are websites out there that I like to read, there are bloggers that I like to follow (why won't you return my calls Gappy?).

These are typically funny intellectuals who have earn my respect overtime through their shared cynicism towards the world, and/or their no bullshit way of dealing with matters:

On the occasion, said people would share their views on relationships, either with bullet points or a whimsical tale where a hooker with a golden heart would explain the valuable lesson we're supposed to have learnt.

Whether I agree with their point of view or not, I read them not because I feel the urge to seek out lists of do's and don'ts in relationships - those lists typically vague as fuck (to keep you coming back for more), culturally bias, or damn right ridiculous - I read them because they're typically entertaining, and I was bored on the train to work.

To prove my "anti-relationship advice column" point I should probably go out and read said magazines and websites that I object to - which I can't be arsed to do. I have sandwiches to make. So instead I've googled some links for you, all courtesy of Cracked.com:

• Advice about Relationships
• 4 Pieces of Relationship Advice Movies need to stop giving
• 7 Psychotic pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo 

Here's the thing: you get better at relationships through learning from life's mistakes - be it someone else's you've read about, or your own. Which brings us to the next point:

There are no 'Successful Relationship' formulas
This is kind of a lie, because as a man of science, I do believe you can in theory 'predict' the outcome of an event based on relevant variables.

For instance, I know that if I put my sandwich on a cardboard box that's about to burst open, said sandwich will have a high probably of falling onto the ground. I also know that if I rescue half the sandwich, and put the remaining half back on said cardboard box, the remaining sandwich will also be thrown onto the ground, rendering me lunchless. This is not a metaphor nor analogy for anything...

R.I.P. Ham and Mustard Sandwich, gravity has claimed you before your expiration date.

I believe that if you can acquire the value of all variables with absolute precision, you should in theory be able to predict the outcome of any situation. So yes, there should, in theory, be formulas for relationships too, right?

Only problem is, even the most basic variable: the other person, is so complex that there is no way in hell you can predict, let along influence the outcome. Unless you're dating a one dimensional person:

Which brings me to the next point:

Don't get Tunnel Visioned on the Relationship - Focus on Yourself
There ARE things you can do to make any relationships work better, but none of them are typically to do with the relationship itself - improving your communication skills; juggling your priorities better; dealing with trust issues better etc. - everything that betters a relationship are more about bettering yourself as a person. It's these tiny adjustments to various aspects (variables) in your life that improves YOUR performance as a person, as well as YOUR performance in a relationship.

But there's another problem: YOU are not always the problem. All the improvements you make can be wasted in a RELATIONSHIP if your other half, or your family, or your job decides to fuck you over.

Or Jeremy Kyle, the 'Voice of Reason'.

BUT, none of it will be wasted on YOU. Self improvement is something that lasts you a lifetime, at least if you're genuinely doing it for yourself. If your motive was soley to fix your problems in a relationship, like a lot of people have done (my past-self included), don't expect to reap the reward, especially if / when the relationship falls apart.


The list of relationship advice does go on, but I'm not, for now...

It gets more personal from here onwards, drawing from my personal experiences - and it's subsequently less relevant to different individuals. But if you want them, I'll be happy to share them in future posts.

Now go read a fucking book or something useful.