Ringtones

So I have a mobile phone.

You've probably heard of it, chances are you even own one.

It's that mp3 player that you take everywhere with you; the thing that you use to take photos with, and play angry birds with... you know? The little device that you use to telegraph your friend about which Starbucks you're waiting in till their sorry arse turns up.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

 Mine's smaller, but it's what you do with it.

Well the other day, I was minding my own business, when out of the blue, the thing started making this weird noise. I did what any normal person would do in my position.

My flamethrower was also smaller...

After being restrained by my colleagues and the fire marshall, I eventually calmed down and started making every one tea instead. And it was during this time that one of them questioned:

"Who's shitty ringtone was that?"

Now I don't know about you, mostly because I don't know who you are - person on the internet - but I fucking hate musical ringtones.

You know that shithead at the back of the bus (not sure if this applies to outside of the UK) playing their shitty music on their shitty phone speaker on your way to work? You know how you want to punch that fucker in the face?

...with a chainsaw.

Well how the fuck is it any different when your phone, during my journey to work, suddenly starts playing:



Well I was delighted to be acquainted with your preference in dimensions for buttocks, now please kindly cease this broadcast before I let you get acquainted with my prefered mode of aggression.

In your prefered dimension.

There're only two reactions that comes from mobile phone owners of musical ringtones:

1 - You start dancing like a knob.

or

2 - You try to cease the embarassing tune as quickly as you can before crawling into a hole and resetting your ringtone to the default setting again.

Yeah the third one is non-reaction, but that's by definition NOT a reaction, so fuck you, and your ringtone.

I get it. When a phone rings, you want one vital piece of information - "Is it my phone that's ringing, or some other arsehole's?" Most of the time it's the latter because nobody loves you and cool people use text messages nowadays. The easiest way to differentiate YOUR phone's ringing from that arsehole's phone is by having something that identify YOU as a person.

Trouble is, YOU are probably not clever nor interesting enough to make your own piece of music, and thus resorting to downloading whatever the hell you THINK identifies you as a person.

So great, now you've got your custom ringtone, time to take the bad boy out for a spin. You wait for a few days, because as we mentioned earlier, nobody loves you. Finally while you're busy playing stealth flirt with the pretty girl on the train, your social interruption machine alerts you of an impending conversation with your mother's neighbour about why the Maxwell is shitting in his yard again.

Because he's cute enough to get away with it.

It's fucking Shakira or Lil Wayne or whatever people pass for ringtones nowadays. I get it, I'm old and out of touch with music.

Now while you're thinking about how often you need to change your ringtone, and what tune you must pick to stay fresh and relevant - I'm busy doing important things, like cleaning dog poop off the neighbour's yard, and blogging about how much I hate ringtones.

Oh and when my phone rings, I know it's my phone because a) it's not some shitty tune from the radio, and b) the sound is coming from MY pocket.

And fuck you Maxwell!